Cab adventures at NAB

Posted By John Parenteau on April 19, 2012 06:57 pm | Permalink
By John Parenteau

(Note to reader: This is a TRUE story. If anything, I cut some craziness out!)

Fade in

Int. cab - evening

John, (46) dark haired, handsome, enters the cab.


Palazzo, please.

Once the door is closed, the driver guns it, throwing John back in his seat.


God damn, f**king, sh*t!

The driver seems oblivious, or so John believes, to the looming white van already in the lane he is zooming in to. The van screeches veers away. 


(suddenly nervous)

Uh, is Everything ok?


I sat at this f**king light for three cycles last time and never got a God damn green light!

John, noting that they are not near a light, assumes the driver means some future, upcoming light. 

The driver suddenly veers off hard to the right on a side route, taking John through an under ground path that could be a short cut or a trip through Vegas hell.

A speed bump looms, but instead of slowing, the driver speeds up, bouncing his vehicle and poor John in the back seat.

Driver (CONT'D)

(child like voice)


Recovering, John tries to quickly re-evaluate his odds at surviving this trip. The driver sees another cab pulling up in the neighboring lane. He accelerates again, and John begins to wonder when they start using the close cement walls as bumpers.

Driver (CONT'D)


I hate California drivers.

John isn't sure this is a reference to the other driver or that he has had some psychic moment and knows that John is from the very state he is criticizing.

John decides to try a friendly tact.


I like how you drive!

(beat, no response)

You're very aggressive, and I mean that in a good way!

As if John didn't say anything, the driver continues.


California drivers have no f**king clue how to drive.


(strangely defensive)

I'm from Oregon.


That's good. 


These f**king Californians slow down for everything.

The driver shows what he means, John suspects, by NOT slowing down, or stopping, for a stop sign. Another speed bump comes up. The cab hits it hard.


(again, in child like voice)


Recovering again, John starts to worry. The cab has burst out in some back alleyway, seemingly heading in the right general direction, but on such a different route that no other cabs are visible.

Driver (CONT'D)

You know what else I hate?

(not waiting)

I hate pedestrians.

Strangely intrigued, John, gripping the seat as subtly yet firmly as possible, can't resist.




I never slow down for them. It's their fault if they get hit.


(playing along)

Especially if they're in the road. The road is for cars.

John has said something right. The driver looks at him in the mirror with a smile John can't determine is friendly or insane.


Yeah! I never feel bad when a pedestrian gets hit

Having won him over, John is suddenly part of the game.

Driver (CONT'D)

(as if asking for permission)

We've got three more speed bumps coming up!


(with a smile)

Go for it!

The driver hits the bumps like Evil Knievel hits a ramp. But John is ready.





As the car settles, the driver begins rummaging through an overhead bin. 


I think I have a sandwich.

John isn't sure if he's going to offer him some. But before he can refuse


I've got a banana!

(beat, brandishing the banana)

Two bananas a day, is what I say.

He giggles.

The car finally comes to a red light. Across the street is John's destination. The Driver revs his engine as if at the start of the race.



One more light and we're there!

The light turns green and the driver guns it. A lone pedestrian, still in the cross walk, hustles out of the way as the driver practically aims for him.

Finally, the car pulls up to an abrupt stop at the casino. John hands the driver money, scrambling out of the car quickly. As the door closes, he can hear a voice in the distance.


Have a nice day!

The end